You think you're crazy!? I'LL SHOW YOU CRAZY!
Disclaimer: This post is very long and may contain subject material that may be sensitive.
Hello fellow bloggers and readers. I'm typing this blog from my phone so please excuse the grammatical errors.
As I stated in my previous blog, I struggle with dealing with a life with a mental illness. That mental illness is Bipolar type 1 Disorder. For those who do not understand what Bipolar Disorder or consists of I will give you a brief summary of what this disorder before I share my personal struggles with this disorder.
Bipolar Disorder is a disorder in which a person suffers from mental unbalance in their moods which vary from Manic to Depressive states in a cycle that constantly changes. In a manic stage a person suffering from Bipolar Disorder will have a higher sense of importance and attitude that screams I can rule the world. A person in their manic stage will act very impulsive doing things that normally they wouldn't do such as spend money without thinking about their bank account, engage in sexual behaviors that are risky, take on multiple projects at a time, and many more irrational behavior that normally in their stable mindset would do. A person in their manic state may also seem very agressive and sometimes angry and irritable as their mood starts to slowly slide down from that high feeling and sense of entitlement into depression.
After a manic stage a person with Bipolar Disorder will slowly or rapidly go through a stage of depression. Depression may be caused by the many actions that occurred during the heightened state of mania, realizing that some of the decisions that were made during the highest stage of mania have caused many problems with people around and to themselves. In the state of depression a person will isolate themselves from the world and feel a sense of hopelessness. you may see a person have loss of interest in activities that they may used to enjoy, loss of appetite, lack of sex drive, and thoughts of suicide. Shortly after a person experiences the depression stage of the mood cycle, it will repeat itself back to the manic stage in a vicious cycle of unstable mental health.
It is important to understand that all people with Bipolar disorder don't have random mood swings and switch from happy to sad with a blink of an eye. Although there are some cases of Bipolar disorder that may exhibit that quality, many stages of manic and depression can occur from one to two days or even a week or two. In some cases more than that. That is a common myth and misconception that many people have about this disorder when a person shares this information about themselves.
Another thing that most people don't understand is the constant struggle to live a what we call "Stable Life". This disorder is nothing you can quick fix. When a person is diagnosed with Bipolar disorder they will have to live with this for the rest of their lives. Something that I till very recently found very hard to cope with.
At a very young age I experienced a slew of trauma. At the age of 7 I lost the man I called my father to suicide from a gun shot wound. My father also struggled with mental illness and since it can be genetically passed down my depression slowly worsened. Shortly after my life was turn Topsy turvy to the introduction of who would soon to be my step father and a new family dynamic was introduced. Little did I know that these events and events leading up to today would have a major part of my mental illness.
I didn't like my new family dynamic. In fact at one point I felt like I was fighting to get attention from my mom. It seemed like she always was about my step dad and my sister, while I was left in a grim shadow of darkness struggling to cope with the loss of my father. I started to find ways to get attention any way I could.
Singing became an outlet of mine. In 4th and 5th grade I finally had all eyes on me when I became the first kid in my elementary school to get solos for the winter and spring concerts with standing ovations. I thought I finally found my niché in finding a way to get the attention from my mom I always wanted. And I did. Only for a short time it seemed though as my music slowly faded away into the background of bullying, weight gain, puberty and eventually my first thoughts of suicide. I didn't understand it at the time but it now when I look back at it, my suicidal thoughts were always a cry for help because i couldn't take the darkness anymore. Although the darkness always seemed to be my friend, it became unbareable.
I didn't understand why my Mom was so upset about me my thoughts of killing myself. I guess it was the fact that her son was facing the same mental issues of depression that my father had before he pulled the trigger. But it was warming that she finally was in my corner and willing to help me. But that to me felt like a temporary fix when a new gasoline can was thrown into the fire that burned like a Forrest fire.
I came out the closet at the age of 14. Something I denied for years even thought I knew since I was 5 that I was different. Something told me I should've kept my mouth shut and the amount of bullying I received was that reason. The bullying made me feel like I was little. And as the bowling one from derogatory words to physical altercations, I begin to start hating myself even more. It didn't help that my mom just told me to grow some balls and stand up for myself. Easy for her to say when she hasn't stood up for me through many of my ordeals.
At age 16 it all came to a head when I just couldn't take it anymore. The feeling of being alone just ate me up to the point where I just couldn't life anymore. So on April 1st, 2008 I decided to commit my first suicide attempt. I took all my anti-depressant medication that I was on, took other medication from the medicine cabinet, and went to sleep. I was hoping that I would wake up in heaven at that moment. Away from all the pain and all the darkness that has engulfed me in my life. But god works in mysterious ways and he sent a guardian angel down my way to wake me up and send me to a hospital. That guardian angel was my sister. When my sister found me I was in a daze I couldn't even comprehend anything that was going on. All I remember is being rushed to the hospital and waking up in a room with my mom by my side. Then being rushed to what would be my first experience in a mental hospital.
For 16 year old it felt great to finally meet people around my age that were going through some of the same things that I was. It felt like I wasn't alone in the world finally and that I wasn't crazy. I spent a week in the hospital and when I came out I thought I was fixed. Love and I know that I would be struggling with the same problems for the next couple years.
My mental condition got worse over the past 6 years since that incident. I was acting out, stealing, being promiscuous, and having lack of respect for myself. But I didn't know why. Neither did my parents or any of my family members. I knew that some of the things I was doing like dropping out of college and pretending that everything was okay wasn't cool at all. But I was so clouded by my mental illness and my mental state. Finally it all came to a head stop when had my second suicide attempt. Although it didn't land me in the hospital my irratic behavior and my parents frustration with it landed me in Philhaven Mental Facility.
In 2011 after years of battling depression and irratic behavior I finally was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 Disorder. I was so estatic because I had finally found an answer to my behavior and mood changes. I also was very upset and when I expressed this to my Mom all I got was a, "So people have Bipolar". I was floored. Here I was battling an illness that I have to take care of everyday and all you can say is, "So". It was like a big "fuck you" to me. And because of that. I decided well if she didn't care then I wouldn't.
I was fine for a little while after I was discharged from the hospital and was slowly recovering and becoming more stable. But the more that I thought about the lack of support and how my parents didn't understand made stop taking my meds and start the vicious cycle all over again. At 19 I was arrested for under age drinking. I lost my job and I found myself without a home because my parents kicked me out.
I was more lost than ever. I felt so alone. I felt misunderstood and didn't understand myself. I decided to move up to Harrisburg with my Aunt and cousin to create a new life for myself. I thought that by moving all my problems would be fixed.
Well little did I know my problems of my past would eventually start to haunt me. My eratic behavior in Harrisburg caused me to have another episode that landed me in PPI Mental health hospital after having an angry outburst with my cousin in 2012. At this point in my life I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to just die. But the love of my sister and her concern made me push forward. I was released after one week and things started to pick up.
I began to have a positive life even though some of my eratic behaviors were still present. In 2014 I had it all. I had a boyfriend who I loved, I was re-enrolled back in school, and I was on my own for the first time in my life. Things seemed to be looking up for me. I was finally gonna become something great.
Little did I know all these things would fall apart for me. In my impulsive decision to re-enroll back into school, I realized my finances were not in order. I struggled for the first half of my semester to pay for books, school bills, and rent for my house. Eventually due to lack of funds I was asked to leave Shippensburg University a couple weeks prior to Midterms. I was devastated. And that devastation triggered my depression and my mania so bad that I lost it all. I lost my boyfriend due to lying and cheating, I became an alcoholic to numb my pain, and I lost my friends. Not to mention I was behind on bills.
I was in bad shape. I didn't even know who I was. When I look back at myself a couple months ago, I see a different person and not the Kareem Anthony that sits here and writes these blog posts. I was not mentally well. And the only person who knew was my guardian angel, my sister Courtney.
During Christmas she forced me to talk to all of my family and get help. She was so concerned about me and that I would die at the hands of my mental illness, not prospering in life like I knew I could. I broke down and I admitted to everything I felt and did and how embarrassed I was to be in this situation.
But out of that embarrassment came something I never had before. Support. My Aunt Jackie and Uncle Kenny stepped into my life at the moment where I was in crisis in losing it all. My cousin Jamel and her boyfriend Vaughn who have become more than just my family but a very special friends of mine. My sister who was my guardian angel and has saved my life more than Popeye has saved Olive Oil. And most importantly my Mom. I finally got the support of my Mom after years of screaming out for help.
I now currently reside at an Outpatient program at Philhaven Mental Institute which I go to group therapy and see a doctor 3 times a week. I have done countless hours of research on my disorder. I have made positive lifestyle changes such as, cutting alcohol out of my life, working out everyday, writing this blog, going to dance classes, things that I've lost during these times of hardships. And most importantly, taking my meds.
I am so thankful for my sister because if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be in the place I am right now. I have a new found understanding about myself and who I am. I am in control of my disorder. I have the power to overcome this and it feels great. I'm not 100% there yet and I will never be. Like I said before this is a life long journey of trying to stay mentally stable. I am not gonna be permanently fix. But I have accepted that.
Self-acceptance of my mental disorder has always been hard for me.
As a man, especially in the black community, taking medication and having a mental illness is seen as a weakness. Not to mention the amount of stigma I face throughout my daily life has been a struggle. But I know now I have strength in getting the necessary help and knowing myself and what I have than doing the same old two step dance with not taking care of myself.
If anybody reading this is or has a family member that suffers from Bipolar disorder or any mental illness my word of advice before I close this up is DON'T GIVE UP! You are more than your disease and although it may take time to understand yourself or understand your family member don't give up on them. We are strong individuals and God wouldn't give us anything that we couldn't bare. Just remember that the next time you throw your hands up and want to give up.
Well that was very hard to revisit and I now need a non-alcoholic piña colada to soothe my mind and relax (just kidding). I hope this was informative on the issue of mental illness. If you know someone who does or if you suffer from mental illness please feel free to contact me for questions. Also check out the National Institute http://www.nimh.nih.gov for more information.
Thank you for reading and I will see you soon bloggers. Until next time,
Peace, Love, Gratitude :)
Hello fellow bloggers and readers. I'm typing this blog from my phone so please excuse the grammatical errors.
As I stated in my previous blog, I struggle with dealing with a life with a mental illness. That mental illness is Bipolar type 1 Disorder. For those who do not understand what Bipolar Disorder or consists of I will give you a brief summary of what this disorder before I share my personal struggles with this disorder.
Bipolar Disorder is a disorder in which a person suffers from mental unbalance in their moods which vary from Manic to Depressive states in a cycle that constantly changes. In a manic stage a person suffering from Bipolar Disorder will have a higher sense of importance and attitude that screams I can rule the world. A person in their manic stage will act very impulsive doing things that normally they wouldn't do such as spend money without thinking about their bank account, engage in sexual behaviors that are risky, take on multiple projects at a time, and many more irrational behavior that normally in their stable mindset would do. A person in their manic state may also seem very agressive and sometimes angry and irritable as their mood starts to slowly slide down from that high feeling and sense of entitlement into depression.
After a manic stage a person with Bipolar Disorder will slowly or rapidly go through a stage of depression. Depression may be caused by the many actions that occurred during the heightened state of mania, realizing that some of the decisions that were made during the highest stage of mania have caused many problems with people around and to themselves. In the state of depression a person will isolate themselves from the world and feel a sense of hopelessness. you may see a person have loss of interest in activities that they may used to enjoy, loss of appetite, lack of sex drive, and thoughts of suicide. Shortly after a person experiences the depression stage of the mood cycle, it will repeat itself back to the manic stage in a vicious cycle of unstable mental health.
It is important to understand that all people with Bipolar disorder don't have random mood swings and switch from happy to sad with a blink of an eye. Although there are some cases of Bipolar disorder that may exhibit that quality, many stages of manic and depression can occur from one to two days or even a week or two. In some cases more than that. That is a common myth and misconception that many people have about this disorder when a person shares this information about themselves.
Another thing that most people don't understand is the constant struggle to live a what we call "Stable Life". This disorder is nothing you can quick fix. When a person is diagnosed with Bipolar disorder they will have to live with this for the rest of their lives. Something that I till very recently found very hard to cope with.
At a very young age I experienced a slew of trauma. At the age of 7 I lost the man I called my father to suicide from a gun shot wound. My father also struggled with mental illness and since it can be genetically passed down my depression slowly worsened. Shortly after my life was turn Topsy turvy to the introduction of who would soon to be my step father and a new family dynamic was introduced. Little did I know that these events and events leading up to today would have a major part of my mental illness.
I didn't like my new family dynamic. In fact at one point I felt like I was fighting to get attention from my mom. It seemed like she always was about my step dad and my sister, while I was left in a grim shadow of darkness struggling to cope with the loss of my father. I started to find ways to get attention any way I could.
Singing became an outlet of mine. In 4th and 5th grade I finally had all eyes on me when I became the first kid in my elementary school to get solos for the winter and spring concerts with standing ovations. I thought I finally found my niché in finding a way to get the attention from my mom I always wanted. And I did. Only for a short time it seemed though as my music slowly faded away into the background of bullying, weight gain, puberty and eventually my first thoughts of suicide. I didn't understand it at the time but it now when I look back at it, my suicidal thoughts were always a cry for help because i couldn't take the darkness anymore. Although the darkness always seemed to be my friend, it became unbareable.
I didn't understand why my Mom was so upset about me my thoughts of killing myself. I guess it was the fact that her son was facing the same mental issues of depression that my father had before he pulled the trigger. But it was warming that she finally was in my corner and willing to help me. But that to me felt like a temporary fix when a new gasoline can was thrown into the fire that burned like a Forrest fire.
I came out the closet at the age of 14. Something I denied for years even thought I knew since I was 5 that I was different. Something told me I should've kept my mouth shut and the amount of bullying I received was that reason. The bullying made me feel like I was little. And as the bowling one from derogatory words to physical altercations, I begin to start hating myself even more. It didn't help that my mom just told me to grow some balls and stand up for myself. Easy for her to say when she hasn't stood up for me through many of my ordeals.
At age 16 it all came to a head when I just couldn't take it anymore. The feeling of being alone just ate me up to the point where I just couldn't life anymore. So on April 1st, 2008 I decided to commit my first suicide attempt. I took all my anti-depressant medication that I was on, took other medication from the medicine cabinet, and went to sleep. I was hoping that I would wake up in heaven at that moment. Away from all the pain and all the darkness that has engulfed me in my life. But god works in mysterious ways and he sent a guardian angel down my way to wake me up and send me to a hospital. That guardian angel was my sister. When my sister found me I was in a daze I couldn't even comprehend anything that was going on. All I remember is being rushed to the hospital and waking up in a room with my mom by my side. Then being rushed to what would be my first experience in a mental hospital.
For 16 year old it felt great to finally meet people around my age that were going through some of the same things that I was. It felt like I wasn't alone in the world finally and that I wasn't crazy. I spent a week in the hospital and when I came out I thought I was fixed. Love and I know that I would be struggling with the same problems for the next couple years.
My mental condition got worse over the past 6 years since that incident. I was acting out, stealing, being promiscuous, and having lack of respect for myself. But I didn't know why. Neither did my parents or any of my family members. I knew that some of the things I was doing like dropping out of college and pretending that everything was okay wasn't cool at all. But I was so clouded by my mental illness and my mental state. Finally it all came to a head stop when had my second suicide attempt. Although it didn't land me in the hospital my irratic behavior and my parents frustration with it landed me in Philhaven Mental Facility.
In 2011 after years of battling depression and irratic behavior I finally was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 Disorder. I was so estatic because I had finally found an answer to my behavior and mood changes. I also was very upset and when I expressed this to my Mom all I got was a, "So people have Bipolar". I was floored. Here I was battling an illness that I have to take care of everyday and all you can say is, "So". It was like a big "fuck you" to me. And because of that. I decided well if she didn't care then I wouldn't.
I was fine for a little while after I was discharged from the hospital and was slowly recovering and becoming more stable. But the more that I thought about the lack of support and how my parents didn't understand made stop taking my meds and start the vicious cycle all over again. At 19 I was arrested for under age drinking. I lost my job and I found myself without a home because my parents kicked me out.
I was more lost than ever. I felt so alone. I felt misunderstood and didn't understand myself. I decided to move up to Harrisburg with my Aunt and cousin to create a new life for myself. I thought that by moving all my problems would be fixed.
Well little did I know my problems of my past would eventually start to haunt me. My eratic behavior in Harrisburg caused me to have another episode that landed me in PPI Mental health hospital after having an angry outburst with my cousin in 2012. At this point in my life I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to just die. But the love of my sister and her concern made me push forward. I was released after one week and things started to pick up.
I began to have a positive life even though some of my eratic behaviors were still present. In 2014 I had it all. I had a boyfriend who I loved, I was re-enrolled back in school, and I was on my own for the first time in my life. Things seemed to be looking up for me. I was finally gonna become something great.
Little did I know all these things would fall apart for me. In my impulsive decision to re-enroll back into school, I realized my finances were not in order. I struggled for the first half of my semester to pay for books, school bills, and rent for my house. Eventually due to lack of funds I was asked to leave Shippensburg University a couple weeks prior to Midterms. I was devastated. And that devastation triggered my depression and my mania so bad that I lost it all. I lost my boyfriend due to lying and cheating, I became an alcoholic to numb my pain, and I lost my friends. Not to mention I was behind on bills.
I was in bad shape. I didn't even know who I was. When I look back at myself a couple months ago, I see a different person and not the Kareem Anthony that sits here and writes these blog posts. I was not mentally well. And the only person who knew was my guardian angel, my sister Courtney.
During Christmas she forced me to talk to all of my family and get help. She was so concerned about me and that I would die at the hands of my mental illness, not prospering in life like I knew I could. I broke down and I admitted to everything I felt and did and how embarrassed I was to be in this situation.
But out of that embarrassment came something I never had before. Support. My Aunt Jackie and Uncle Kenny stepped into my life at the moment where I was in crisis in losing it all. My cousin Jamel and her boyfriend Vaughn who have become more than just my family but a very special friends of mine. My sister who was my guardian angel and has saved my life more than Popeye has saved Olive Oil. And most importantly my Mom. I finally got the support of my Mom after years of screaming out for help.
I now currently reside at an Outpatient program at Philhaven Mental Institute which I go to group therapy and see a doctor 3 times a week. I have done countless hours of research on my disorder. I have made positive lifestyle changes such as, cutting alcohol out of my life, working out everyday, writing this blog, going to dance classes, things that I've lost during these times of hardships. And most importantly, taking my meds.
I am so thankful for my sister because if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be in the place I am right now. I have a new found understanding about myself and who I am. I am in control of my disorder. I have the power to overcome this and it feels great. I'm not 100% there yet and I will never be. Like I said before this is a life long journey of trying to stay mentally stable. I am not gonna be permanently fix. But I have accepted that.
Self-acceptance of my mental disorder has always been hard for me.
As a man, especially in the black community, taking medication and having a mental illness is seen as a weakness. Not to mention the amount of stigma I face throughout my daily life has been a struggle. But I know now I have strength in getting the necessary help and knowing myself and what I have than doing the same old two step dance with not taking care of myself.
If anybody reading this is or has a family member that suffers from Bipolar disorder or any mental illness my word of advice before I close this up is DON'T GIVE UP! You are more than your disease and although it may take time to understand yourself or understand your family member don't give up on them. We are strong individuals and God wouldn't give us anything that we couldn't bare. Just remember that the next time you throw your hands up and want to give up.
Well that was very hard to revisit and I now need a non-alcoholic piña colada to soothe my mind and relax (just kidding). I hope this was informative on the issue of mental illness. If you know someone who does or if you suffer from mental illness please feel free to contact me for questions. Also check out the National Institute http://www.nimh.nih.gov for more information.
Thank you for reading and I will see you soon bloggers. Until next time,
Peace, Love, Gratitude :)